Suspending Judgment
It’s noticing the little things that come up in casual conversation that often surprise you. A comment made that catches you off guard can change your opinion about someone, and make you realize that the assumptions you made were a little hasty, a little too dismissive.
Recently, I decided to take the plunge into hiring a personal trainer. After doing some research, and talking to friends, I decided to go with these two guys that were highly recommended. But I must say, I did so with some reservations. In my mind, they were an unlikely match for me. Carter and Brett, are two very fit guys about 20 years my junior. I said to myself, “I don’t know how long I’ll last, but I’ll give it a try.”
Over time I got to know them better. They were funny but also very patient. But make no mistake, they wouldn’t let me get away with complaining, and they pushed me just to the limits of my endurance.
They also began to tell me about their families and their kids. During one workout after Father’s Day, I asked Carter what his kids did to surprise him for Father’s Day. He made a face, rolled his eyes, and told me how he spent his day. He said, “I didn’t go golfing like most guys do. I didn’t really take any time for myself. I promised my son I would take him fishing in the morning and my daughter had track practice that afternoon. What coach schedules a practice on Father’s Day? But that’s ok. The way I look at it, Father’s Day is about fathers spending time with their kids. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Spending time with my kids is what being a father is all about.”
It was at that moment I caught a glimpse into the full complexity of the man standing before me. He wasn’t just this funny guy, this jock who only focused on physical fitness. He was a tender-hearted man whose entire focus was on family, and being a great role model to his children. He showed up for them and was there for the little things, little things that add up to unconditional love. I was also able to see what both he and Brett had done for all the student athletes they had trained over the past couple of decades. They provided loving support, filled with humor and caring, traits that allowed those kids to see what a good, solid man looks like. It was a humbling insight for me, the kind of insight that can break your heart wide open and give you hope for humanity.
Learn more in my third book, Embracing Therapeutic Complexity, I provide a diagrammatic road map that allows you to compare the difference between individuals who move through the world by putting exacting standards on themselves as a means of over-compensating for past hurts or deep-seated feelings of unworthiness vs. healthier individuals who move through the world with kindness, grace, and relative ease.