Meeting the Challenge of Polarization through Restorative Conversations
Restorative conversations are a form of dialogue or communication that focuses on repairing harm, fostering understanding, and promoting accountability. They are often utilized in conflict. The Two Hands of Nonviolence Exercise was inspired by the writing of the late Barbara Deming. In her book Revolution and Equilibrium. Deming coined the metaphor of the Two Hands of Nonviolence to illustrate how this can be used as a communication tool.
One hand says, “I refuse to cooperate with injustice;”
while the other hand says, “I respect you as a person and will work with you for the common good.”
This skill-building communication exercise has evolved to include ways in which individuals can approach many situations where there is a conflict or an impasse in terms of how to find a way back to mutual understanding and connection with one another. The basic principles involved in the exercise have two components:
a) Setting a boundary that asks for an unfair, uncomfortable, or unwelcome behavior to stop,
b) Creating an invitation for ongoing connection or reconciliation in a way that is mutually productive.
While most communication around difficult or painful topics describes the unfairness and/or violation of human dignity, they often contain an accusatory tone that runs the risk of putting the person hearing the communication on the defensive. When people feel exposed or accused, they generally stop listening.
Here are three basic statements that you can use in the Part A component of the communication.
This is what you did or said.
This is how I felt harmed/hurt.
This is what I want to stop or be different.
Regarding statement #1, it is important to stick to naming the behaviors and not try to name the person’s motivation or intent. None of us are mind readers, and misinterpreting a person’s motivation is one of the reasons people often become defensive. Stating what happened (the behavior) is a powerful enough communication. For example, saying, “You repeatedly touch me without my permission,” is different than saying, “You’re trying to take advantage of me with no regard for my feelings.” The second statement may be true, and it may feel true to you, but there is no hard evidence as to the person’s true motives. The first statement that simply focuses on the behavior is powerful enough.
Regarding statement #2, speak to the effect that the behavior had on you. It is important to use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. “You” statements feel accusatory and are likely to put someone on the defensive. For example, it is more neutral to express how you felt harmed by saying, “I felt uncomfortable when you said X,” versus, “You make me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself whenever you say, X.” The first statement takes ownership of your feelings. The second statement blames the other person for causing the feeling. Although there are times when a person may say or do something so egregious, it causes harm. However, there are many times that what a person says will also trigger memories from our past. These memory triggers tend to make the weight of the offense feel greater than what the person intended. Either way, the safest and most effective approach is to use “I” statements.
Regarding statement #3, saying what you want to stop needs to focus on specific behaviors. It’s not enough to say, “I want you to stop being so mean.” The power in the “STOP” lies in the specifics. For example, “I want you to stop swearing at me when you become frustrated with me. Just because you’re frustrated doesn’t give you the right to swear at me.” Naming specific behaviors that you want to stop, and speaking to issues of what is “fair and unfair” is powerful. People never have the right to abuse or bully based on an event, action, or feeling state they are experiencing in a given moment.
Now, here are three basic statements that you can use in the Part B component of the communication–how you’re inviting the person to join you in creating new behavior and communication patterns.
I want you to know that I care about you, and I want to make things better between us.
If you’re upset, I’d rather that you use a different way of approaching me, and here is what I wish you would do instead.
Do you understand what I want to be different and why that would be helpful to both of us?
Regarding statement #1, let the person know that you care about them and care about preserving the relationship. This makes the request to stop hurtful behavior easier to hear. Often individuals who are antagonistic or oblivious as to how their behavior affects others are highly shame sensitive and will hear criticism where there is only a request for change. In addition, many of these individuals are afraid of abandonment. If they believe they may have done something wrong, they may fear you will leave them or harm them in an act of retaliation. Therefore, giving reassurance that you are interested in maintaining the relationship can soothe the fears and reduce shame sensitivity.
Regarding statement #2, often individuals who behave in ways that are irritating or hurtful don’t know how to behave differently. They don’t have the skills because they were never taught. Offering specific suggestions of what you want or how you want to be treated instead of what you don’t want can help guide the interaction in a more positive, productive direction. This also requires you as the person practicing the technique to become more specific about what behaviors you are seeking from the other person.
Regarding statement #3, it is not enough to say the first two statements. Asking the person if they understand what you want to be different invites the person to reflect on what he or she heard rather than leaping to an assumption that may be inaccurate. Asking for this clarification allows you to correct any misperceptions. Also, asking the person to tell you why that might be helpful for both of you places you back in alignment and connection, pointing out that a stronger connection between you would be a win-win situation for both of you.